advent

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,
In ancient times did'st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

the on going battle

of doing dishes... there's no stopping it really. and i'm poor. i can't afford no stinkin' apt with a dishwasher. i am the dishwasher! boy, God wasn't kidding about being faithful in the little things...

"stay the course," he says to me. it finally occurred to me what he meant by that. faithfulness is the means by which we ought to live our lives. seeing things to completion with the utmost integrity.

"you're wishing your life away," he says to me as i sat there hoping to be somewhere else... always hoping to be somewhere else... today, i am choosing to be here. i am choosing to live courageously.

nemesis

every super hero has one... mine is a particular species that live in my kitchen... the inferno ants! i must admit they are quite superior when it comes to persistence. they roam around on the counter in search for a morsel that was overlooked by yours truly. oh, the pain of discovering multitude of ants in what was thought of as a clean kitchen!!! the shine, the sparkle of my once clean counters, now overtaken by ants!!! the war continues...

raid has become my best friend.

anyway...

this is solitude in all it's beauty.

sometimes i feel like a pink rose in the middle of a beach. my beauty, meaningless. my splendor, unseen. my wisdom, nonexistent... compare to my majestic King.

the grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever. - Isaiah 40:8

welcome to the real world

where most of your decisions are wrong... or at least have ridiculous consequences.

there is a comfort to being an insomniac. the comfort of avoiding the sunrise... somehow, if i manage to stay awake morning will never come... and who wants tomorrow to come anyway? all that entail is decisions decisions decisions.

my brother named his daughter "joyful wisdom" in chinese. i pray that would be true in her life. the sins of our fathers will not be passed down onto the next generation. God's grace will cover us.

authentic worship

Is this not the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh? Then shall your light break forth like the dawn and your healing shall spring up speedily; your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and he will say 'Here I am.'

Isaiah 58:6-9

but beyond that, maybe worship is the practice of living life as it ought to be lived. a life that seeks to glorify God without being distracted by our own selfish desires. whether at church or at home, by song or by thought, maybe worship is a the mere act of acknowledging God as Lord of all. what is worship? my answer: it's a way of life. it is what living ought to reflect.


in other news, it rained this weekend. i love that the rain washed away all the smog, allowing the sky to be blue for a couple days. it's like it washed all the sin away...

urgency

we've taken time for granted.

there was a time when people lived as though they believed that Jesus was going to return immediately.

maybe i just miss you today. who knew my mind would wander into the past as though it was just yesterday.

the saddest thing...

wanting to run away and not having a place to run to...

maybe it's better that way.

Word to Your Mom

a few weeks back a sweet old couple came into my work. there was something about the way the two interacted and how their frail bodies slowly moved around the office that brought tears to my eyes. it made me think that life is fleeting and ever so precious. our time here is sort, death is upon us, and sin has yet to be completely defeated. and yet there is beauty in our dying bodies and joy in knowing that we do not need to fear death... it's has already been defeated.

sometimes i wonder if we expect God to be a fast moving God. Jesus' ministry lasted only 3 years and most of the believers at the time expected Jesus to return immediately. maybe we just want him to move fast... maybe we just want to get things over with so we can see the fruit of our labor... so we can feel important...

i was thinking about the gospel of mark the other day. i thought about how painful it must have been for him to write the gospel assuming that Jesus will return soon and yet have to live through the destruction of the temple, only to find out that Jesus is actually not going to return in his life time. he must of died hoping and waiting for the Lord's return. what else was he going to do, but wait?

i'm starting to realizing that the art of waiting is what keeps hope alive.

today...

time and space feels like an enemy...

oatmeal chocolate chip cookies will never be the same. nope. never. never. ever. oh poo...

sometimes i think the hardest part of living life is keeping a dream alive. allowing God to do as he pleases and still having the hope that some of what you want will be good for you (whatever "good for you" means). it's not just about knowing what you want... it's about having the courage to either pursue it or wait for it. hope is a frightening thing. life just scares me...

life

if i think about it too much i might break into pieces.

patience and wisdom are virtues that i do not possess much of... = /

maybe God will intervene soon...

or who knows... it could all just be a dying dream... which fades away behind all that is real and all that is unknown...

you just can't hold on to it forever.

my weekly epiphany

love affair

i'm finding that rock climbing is like a love affair... i can't get it out of my mind, i can't stay away from it too long, i bruise from it, and i gain exceeding joy from it... *sigh* love... =)

i have a friend at church who prays for my mother everyday. he probably prays for her more faithfully than both my brother and me combined. perhaps God will hear the prayers of this faithful servant over the the prayers of one with little faith.

it rained a couple days ago. it felt like a miracle. someday God seems so clear to me... and other days He is like a foggy sky.

early morning

that's what happens when you can't fall asleep...

let me describe to you the sounds of sleeplessness... the techno cricket party outside my window that feels like torture... reminds me of... torturous techno music... solution: moving into the living room only to hear the drip drop of the deficient kitchen faucet, sounds like peace after a rainy day... at least until cognition takes place... which then results in the inability to ignore such a sound... and with the quiet of the night, they become like taiko drums... yes... taiko drums preparing soldiers for war... war with the enemy... i call him, insomnia.

well, here i am... 5:30 in the morning... listening to the chorus of dawn... and feeling nostalgic. it's the curse of the night really, to ponder into the path of yesterday... thinking deeply about things that have come to pass, things that ended and will never be... and yet, there is still a sense of hope for tomorrow... the excitement of anticipation... what will tomorrow bring? will it exceed expectations?

so what exactly am i thinking about? i will never tell! just kidding. I will say this though, I miss Jesus. i miss loving him passionately. i miss allowing my emotions to be free enough so that i can understand his grace and rejoice. i'm so angry at today and so caught up in tomorrow that i'm forgetting how to live. i'm forgetting how to walk step by step with him. and it feels terrible. it feels like everything that i have learned in the past four years have become theories and postulations that means nothing... no, that's not true. no, it's not just a season. no, it's not because i'm tired and i feel exhausted from life. it's because a part of me just wants to give it all up. and where would that bring me? only further away from you...

let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.

sleeplessness

i'm beginning to think that part of the reason why i enjoy staying up at night is because i like solitude.

no thoughts tonight. i'm saving those for myself.

I am no good

at saying goodbye.

for once i am the one who is watching people leave. it's a strange thing... learning to live life. some days i just want time to stop. i want everything to be still so that i can catch up and take a deep breath. but life goes on, there is constant motion. whether i'm ready for it or not, it just keeps going.

anyway, i start work tomorrow. i am rather unemotional about it... well, i do wish i had another few days of rest before working, but it will be okay. just finished watching saving private ryan. yup.

Super Heros

i saved a kitten tonight. i named him Sebastian. it was a bit of an emotional impulsive decision that made very little sense... let me know if you would like to take him home though... i don't think he's going to like living in a box forever. apparently i make poor decisions when i'm emotional. go figure. well, for now Colleen and i will take care of him... poor guy... what a cutie! i would like to keep him myself... anyway, i'll put a picture up when i get a chance. =)

jello reminds me of my grandmother. i miss gramma today. she really liked cats too. i miss my daddy too... he doesn't really like cats...

oh! i'm going to have a niece. =) time to buy kiddy clothes!

nothing exciting about this post really... just felt like sharing about sebastian and my niece.

maybe i'll delete this one later.

Common Sense

I found a can of soda in my bathroom today.

I threw it away.

It was gross.

I'm not happy with my roommate...

But this little cartoony thing is cute. =D





Final thoughts on prayer, at least for now...

“Yes, Aslan. She wanted me to take an apple home to Mother.”
“Understand, then, that it would have healed her; but not your joy or hers. The day would have come when both you and she would have looked back and said it would have been better to die in that illness.”
And Digory could say nothing, for tears chocked him and he gave up all hopes of saving his Mother's life; but at the same time he knew that the Lion knew what would have happened, and that there might be things more terrible even than losing someone you love by death.

maybe that's just it, prayer is about doing something outside of ourselves. maybe we'll spend years praying for someone else... maybe it'll never be answered (at least to our own knowledge), but maybe that's okay. i know when my grandmother died i had to come to terms with the reality that there will be people i love going to hell because they don't know Jesus. i think we have to be okay with not knowing the outcome. there are things that we can't comprehend... i'm not saying to stop all questioning and accept life as it is, but there comes a point when we have to accept that things are ambiguous and we can't do much about it. i know this is incomplete... but such is life...

Something I need to remember:
"Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31

crossing over

to nerdville...

i have joined the world of blogger... i can now crown myself the queen of the nerds... playing settlers of catan on week nights, carrying around c.s lewis books in my purse, watching LOTR with a trivia book, and who knows what on weekends (dungeons...).

maybe i'll start a emo band... or an underground theological society... we can be called rivendell... ^_^ or the junior ets... ha!

in other news, i got a job! yay! i will be the only receptionist at an animal hospital that is allergic to household pets... yes! so it might not be the brightest idea in the world; however, i do like animals and a job is necessary. so far it's a win win situations... i'll let you know if i pass out or anything.

continuing with prayer...

there is a part in The Magician's Nephew that implies how lewis viewed prayer. The children, Digory and Polly went on a journey to fetch an apple from a tree for Aslan to protect Narnia from the witch (also known as Jadis). On their journey both the children had forgotten to bring food along with them. here's the dialogue they had about being hungry and how no one had provided food for them.

"Well, I do think someone might have arranged about our meals," said Digory.
"I'm sure Aslan would have, if you'd asked him," said Fledge (the horse)
"Wouldn't he know without being asked?" said Polly
"I've no doubt he would, " said the Horse. "But I've a sort of idea he likes to be asked."

God obviously knows our needs and is very capable of providing for us. there are times when he chooses to bless us with or without our asking. But going back to the idea of prayer producing humility, the recognition of helplessness or the need for wisdom is also realizing that our own powers are not enough... something more is needed. I do think that likes it when we realize that we need him and he is always more than happy to help.

prayer is a funny thing. it stems from and leads to so many other theological issues. sovereignty, love, grace, mercy, trust... i think in the end, my problem is that i don't trust that God has my best interest and i think that it is useless to pray because he probably just doesn't care. so there, that's my false belief. ick.

does anyone know where my nail cutter is???

difficulties

the problem with late night pondering is that thoughts are never really coherent. thoughts wonder of into other thoughts and what would have been clear become abstract. for instance, i've been thinking about prayer (it's purpose, function, necessity, and as a spiritual discipline) and yet glimpses of aliens from halo keeps popping into my mind... while i do enjoy playing halo, it's not much of a spiritual discipline. what if i prayed while playing halo? simultaneously shooting and praying...

prayer...

my problem really boils down to the lack of passion i have in doing it. i have yet to feel the need for prayer. i am trying so hard to stem away from blindly following christian culture which tells me that i need to pray daily. well, why? what's the point in praying for everything and everyone?

today, i don't feel like being a part of something bigger than myself. i don't feel like being involved in God's kingdom. i don't feel like praying. i feel like playing halo.

maybe this is where free will comes in and i choose to do something that i would not have chosen otherwise. i have the freedom to choose to pray even though i do not feel much like doing it. i have the freedom to change my course in life and hope that in this freedom of choice i am actually making the better decision. but what does it mean for my decision to be better? better in that it is more beneficial for myself? for the kingdom of God? for people around me? could one decision really be "better" than another?

what does prayer really do? we pray for God's guidance and help... it seems like prayer is our request for God to make a change. God, please heal so and so... God, please give me guidance in this and that... God please make it rain... God, please make the light turn green... etc. can we really influence God? what about adoration? could prayer be any kind of communication with God? aside from begging God to make a change, do we pray to praise him? God, you are good... God, you are merciful... is prayer a reminder of our place in relation to Him? He is almighty and we are merely humans...

if sin and temptation is an ongoing struggle with a combination of physical, mental, and emotional battle, then could prayer be a discipline that contributes to the victory of sin? we could physically remove ourselves to pray for help and emotionally rely on God... if prayer is a humble act in of itself, then the discipline of it should lead us into humility.

i'm tired.