difficulties

the problem with late night pondering is that thoughts are never really coherent. thoughts wonder of into other thoughts and what would have been clear become abstract. for instance, i've been thinking about prayer (it's purpose, function, necessity, and as a spiritual discipline) and yet glimpses of aliens from halo keeps popping into my mind... while i do enjoy playing halo, it's not much of a spiritual discipline. what if i prayed while playing halo? simultaneously shooting and praying...

prayer...

my problem really boils down to the lack of passion i have in doing it. i have yet to feel the need for prayer. i am trying so hard to stem away from blindly following christian culture which tells me that i need to pray daily. well, why? what's the point in praying for everything and everyone?

today, i don't feel like being a part of something bigger than myself. i don't feel like being involved in God's kingdom. i don't feel like praying. i feel like playing halo.

maybe this is where free will comes in and i choose to do something that i would not have chosen otherwise. i have the freedom to choose to pray even though i do not feel much like doing it. i have the freedom to change my course in life and hope that in this freedom of choice i am actually making the better decision. but what does it mean for my decision to be better? better in that it is more beneficial for myself? for the kingdom of God? for people around me? could one decision really be "better" than another?

what does prayer really do? we pray for God's guidance and help... it seems like prayer is our request for God to make a change. God, please heal so and so... God, please give me guidance in this and that... God please make it rain... God, please make the light turn green... etc. can we really influence God? what about adoration? could prayer be any kind of communication with God? aside from begging God to make a change, do we pray to praise him? God, you are good... God, you are merciful... is prayer a reminder of our place in relation to Him? He is almighty and we are merely humans...

if sin and temptation is an ongoing struggle with a combination of physical, mental, and emotional battle, then could prayer be a discipline that contributes to the victory of sin? we could physically remove ourselves to pray for help and emotionally rely on God... if prayer is a humble act in of itself, then the discipline of it should lead us into humility.

i'm tired.