sleeplessness

i'm beginning to think that part of the reason why i enjoy staying up at night is because i like solitude.

no thoughts tonight. i'm saving those for myself.

I am no good

at saying goodbye.

for once i am the one who is watching people leave. it's a strange thing... learning to live life. some days i just want time to stop. i want everything to be still so that i can catch up and take a deep breath. but life goes on, there is constant motion. whether i'm ready for it or not, it just keeps going.

anyway, i start work tomorrow. i am rather unemotional about it... well, i do wish i had another few days of rest before working, but it will be okay. just finished watching saving private ryan. yup.

Super Heros

i saved a kitten tonight. i named him Sebastian. it was a bit of an emotional impulsive decision that made very little sense... let me know if you would like to take him home though... i don't think he's going to like living in a box forever. apparently i make poor decisions when i'm emotional. go figure. well, for now Colleen and i will take care of him... poor guy... what a cutie! i would like to keep him myself... anyway, i'll put a picture up when i get a chance. =)

jello reminds me of my grandmother. i miss gramma today. she really liked cats too. i miss my daddy too... he doesn't really like cats...

oh! i'm going to have a niece. =) time to buy kiddy clothes!

nothing exciting about this post really... just felt like sharing about sebastian and my niece.

maybe i'll delete this one later.

Common Sense

I found a can of soda in my bathroom today.

I threw it away.

It was gross.

I'm not happy with my roommate...

But this little cartoony thing is cute. =D





Final thoughts on prayer, at least for now...

“Yes, Aslan. She wanted me to take an apple home to Mother.”
“Understand, then, that it would have healed her; but not your joy or hers. The day would have come when both you and she would have looked back and said it would have been better to die in that illness.”
And Digory could say nothing, for tears chocked him and he gave up all hopes of saving his Mother's life; but at the same time he knew that the Lion knew what would have happened, and that there might be things more terrible even than losing someone you love by death.

maybe that's just it, prayer is about doing something outside of ourselves. maybe we'll spend years praying for someone else... maybe it'll never be answered (at least to our own knowledge), but maybe that's okay. i know when my grandmother died i had to come to terms with the reality that there will be people i love going to hell because they don't know Jesus. i think we have to be okay with not knowing the outcome. there are things that we can't comprehend... i'm not saying to stop all questioning and accept life as it is, but there comes a point when we have to accept that things are ambiguous and we can't do much about it. i know this is incomplete... but such is life...

Something I need to remember:
"Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31

crossing over

to nerdville...

i have joined the world of blogger... i can now crown myself the queen of the nerds... playing settlers of catan on week nights, carrying around c.s lewis books in my purse, watching LOTR with a trivia book, and who knows what on weekends (dungeons...).

maybe i'll start a emo band... or an underground theological society... we can be called rivendell... ^_^ or the junior ets... ha!

in other news, i got a job! yay! i will be the only receptionist at an animal hospital that is allergic to household pets... yes! so it might not be the brightest idea in the world; however, i do like animals and a job is necessary. so far it's a win win situations... i'll let you know if i pass out or anything.

continuing with prayer...

there is a part in The Magician's Nephew that implies how lewis viewed prayer. The children, Digory and Polly went on a journey to fetch an apple from a tree for Aslan to protect Narnia from the witch (also known as Jadis). On their journey both the children had forgotten to bring food along with them. here's the dialogue they had about being hungry and how no one had provided food for them.

"Well, I do think someone might have arranged about our meals," said Digory.
"I'm sure Aslan would have, if you'd asked him," said Fledge (the horse)
"Wouldn't he know without being asked?" said Polly
"I've no doubt he would, " said the Horse. "But I've a sort of idea he likes to be asked."

God obviously knows our needs and is very capable of providing for us. there are times when he chooses to bless us with or without our asking. But going back to the idea of prayer producing humility, the recognition of helplessness or the need for wisdom is also realizing that our own powers are not enough... something more is needed. I do think that likes it when we realize that we need him and he is always more than happy to help.

prayer is a funny thing. it stems from and leads to so many other theological issues. sovereignty, love, grace, mercy, trust... i think in the end, my problem is that i don't trust that God has my best interest and i think that it is useless to pray because he probably just doesn't care. so there, that's my false belief. ick.

does anyone know where my nail cutter is???

difficulties

the problem with late night pondering is that thoughts are never really coherent. thoughts wonder of into other thoughts and what would have been clear become abstract. for instance, i've been thinking about prayer (it's purpose, function, necessity, and as a spiritual discipline) and yet glimpses of aliens from halo keeps popping into my mind... while i do enjoy playing halo, it's not much of a spiritual discipline. what if i prayed while playing halo? simultaneously shooting and praying...

prayer...

my problem really boils down to the lack of passion i have in doing it. i have yet to feel the need for prayer. i am trying so hard to stem away from blindly following christian culture which tells me that i need to pray daily. well, why? what's the point in praying for everything and everyone?

today, i don't feel like being a part of something bigger than myself. i don't feel like being involved in God's kingdom. i don't feel like praying. i feel like playing halo.

maybe this is where free will comes in and i choose to do something that i would not have chosen otherwise. i have the freedom to choose to pray even though i do not feel much like doing it. i have the freedom to change my course in life and hope that in this freedom of choice i am actually making the better decision. but what does it mean for my decision to be better? better in that it is more beneficial for myself? for the kingdom of God? for people around me? could one decision really be "better" than another?

what does prayer really do? we pray for God's guidance and help... it seems like prayer is our request for God to make a change. God, please heal so and so... God, please give me guidance in this and that... God please make it rain... God, please make the light turn green... etc. can we really influence God? what about adoration? could prayer be any kind of communication with God? aside from begging God to make a change, do we pray to praise him? God, you are good... God, you are merciful... is prayer a reminder of our place in relation to Him? He is almighty and we are merely humans...

if sin and temptation is an ongoing struggle with a combination of physical, mental, and emotional battle, then could prayer be a discipline that contributes to the victory of sin? we could physically remove ourselves to pray for help and emotionally rely on God... if prayer is a humble act in of itself, then the discipline of it should lead us into humility.

i'm tired.