early morning

that's what happens when you can't fall asleep...

let me describe to you the sounds of sleeplessness... the techno cricket party outside my window that feels like torture... reminds me of... torturous techno music... solution: moving into the living room only to hear the drip drop of the deficient kitchen faucet, sounds like peace after a rainy day... at least until cognition takes place... which then results in the inability to ignore such a sound... and with the quiet of the night, they become like taiko drums... yes... taiko drums preparing soldiers for war... war with the enemy... i call him, insomnia.

well, here i am... 5:30 in the morning... listening to the chorus of dawn... and feeling nostalgic. it's the curse of the night really, to ponder into the path of yesterday... thinking deeply about things that have come to pass, things that ended and will never be... and yet, there is still a sense of hope for tomorrow... the excitement of anticipation... what will tomorrow bring? will it exceed expectations?

so what exactly am i thinking about? i will never tell! just kidding. I will say this though, I miss Jesus. i miss loving him passionately. i miss allowing my emotions to be free enough so that i can understand his grace and rejoice. i'm so angry at today and so caught up in tomorrow that i'm forgetting how to live. i'm forgetting how to walk step by step with him. and it feels terrible. it feels like everything that i have learned in the past four years have become theories and postulations that means nothing... no, that's not true. no, it's not just a season. no, it's not because i'm tired and i feel exhausted from life. it's because a part of me just wants to give it all up. and where would that bring me? only further away from you...

let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.